


After a Dream of Death

by silurica



Series: Look to Love, Always [21]
Category: Fallen London | Echo Bazaar
Genre: M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28315917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silurica/pseuds/silurica
Summary: You returned from the place of spires, cloaked in blood and ice. You returned here, to your home in Ladybones Road. But have your heart returned, too?
Series: Look to Love, Always [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068755





	After a Dream of Death

**Author's Note:**

> An introspective short story to commemorate the completion of Ambition: Nemesis. ~~#Ambition2012~~ #Ambition2020.

As soon as the door of the townhouse was closed, the first thing that the visitor did was drop his suitcase and begin touching the host allover. “Aleksei,” calls Chizuru, the host, bemused by the sudden development. “This can count as harassment.”

“No new wound, new scar, or new broken bone.” Aleksei mumbles to himself. He holds the host’s chin and gives just enough pressure to signal him to open his mouth – the tongue was marked with ink in a strange shape. Aleksei stares inside and concludes, “At least it doesn’t grow larger.”

“It’s a tattoo, why would it?”

At once, Aleksei grabs the man’s shoulders and looks at him in the eye. “You did it, didn’t you? I heard from my intel. What you came here for.”

Chizuru at first only returns his gaze, unmoving, before answering, “I did it.” His expression softens into somberness. “I did it. I avenged Nagato.”

He did it. Those words, that confirmation, slowly sink in. “Do you…” Aleksei’s hands run down Chizuru’s arms. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asks, squeezing Chizuru’s hands slightly. Chizuru gives a small, quiet nod. “Let’s sit down first.” Aleksei says while guiding the other man, “Don’t worry about courtesy and such for now.”

After sitting down on the couch, Chizuru only stares down blankly. Aleksei can’t help worrying, was it a bad idea to ask about that matter? The silence was momentarily broken when a glaring housemaid showed up to bring them tea – she must have noticed Aleksei’s arrival. _The master has been acting like this as of late_ , so the housemaid whispered to Aleksei’s ear. Worrying.

“That Cups…” Chizuru breathes. Aleksei’s ears perk up and he put down his cup of tea at once, waiting. Steam lightly floats up from Chizuru’s untouched cup. It took another silence before he continues, “It tried to bargain for its life, offered to bring Nagato back to life in exchange for mercy. I wonder if I should have accepted it. But I couldn’t. I hate it. And I couldn’t bear the thought of Nagato hating me.”

“Hate you?” A slight frown forms on Aleksei’s face. “Why would he?”

“The ‘Chi-chan’ that Nagato loved was a kind person. He did all he could to prevent anger and hatred from consuming him. He tried to save as many people as possible, no matter how much they have sinned. He never gave up, never feared, no matter how difficult…” Chizuru trails off, then mumbles, “I’m no longer any of those.”

“That is not—”

“You must have heard, Aleksei,” injects Chizuru, “If nothing else, about how I killed the spies in this city in a misguided sense of justice.” He looks down to his hands. “It was unforgivable. And I have killed even more in my revenge. At the end, I’m no better than Cups. I disposed pawns – people with their own lives and dreams – I disposed of them as I saw fit. I should be de—”

“Don’t say that!” In that single moment, Aleksei’s voice filled the room. His fists are now clenched tight. “Please.” He adds.

“Yes,” mutters Chizuru. “I don’t understand why you value my life so much. It’s not just you, too. Vlad, Robin, Vera…” He trails off again, bites his lip. “I don’t understand what is so special about myself. The resources used to keep me alive can be used to help someone else more worthwhile.”

“I think you are worthwhile, Chizuru-han.” Aleksei says, never taking his eyes off Chizuru’s. “Perhaps you are no longer exactly the same person as you were, but isn’t the fact you’re hurting and regretting now means you still have kindness in yourself? You can understand the pain of those wronged, those left behind; you can hope for and work toward something better. Would Cups have felt the same, had you let it live?”

Another silence. Chizuru fidgets with his fingers. Aleksei takes another sip of his tea as he waits.

“It would not,” mutters Chizuru at last. “It admitted no remorse. It was even prideful enough to give no apology. I hate it. It was everything I hate.”

“Do you…” Aleksei trails off for a short moment, looking for the right word to say. “…hate yourself?” Blunt, perhaps. But it suffices.

For the first time in that conversation, Chizuru is looking at Aleksei again, eye wide. Quietly, Aleksei’s hand reaches for Chizuru’s head, caressing him. Ah, there is a glimmer in Chizuru’s eye at last. That glimmer trickles down, like a falling star.

He pulls the man into an embrace, closely, tightly. “Listen to me, Chizuru-han. Ideally, I wish for you to love yourself. I wish for you to see for yourself what charms you have. I believe in you, Chizuru-han. But even if you can’t do that, even if this terrible world prevents you to, I will still love you. I will make up for that love you lack, so at the very least, please live on for my sake.”

“…Aleksei,” he whispers, “I…”

Realising what he had said, Aleksei with no warning separated himself from Chizuru. “O-Of course I mean I love you platonically!” He blabbers on, “And your friends must think similarly too! Yes! Live for us!” Ah, he has done it. He has made a mess of himself. It would be even harder cover it now. When he recovers a part of his courage to steal a look at Chizuru again, he sees Chizuru’s eye and cheeks red. His eye is no doubt red from crying, and his cheeks red from… He has never seen this face before. It’s almost adorable if not for this awkwardness.

A chuckle. Then a giggle. And, at last, a laugh. Chizuru is laughing. Aleksei, both embarrassed and glad, says nothing. “Haha. Hahaha. You made me remember, there was another reason why I couldn’t accept Cups’ bargain, though I realised it only after the fact.”

“W-What is it?” asks Aleksei, having calmed down enough to speak coherently again.

Chizuru wipes his wet eye with the sleeve of his haori. “It would have put you in a tough spot, after I invited you to live together with me.”

Nevermind, Aleksei can feel it; he will turn into a mush again now.

“Well,” says Aleksei, trying his best to keep himself together. “Neither of us made promises…”

“But I meant it.” Chizuru insists, “If I have to keep enduring everything, I want you by my side.”

Aleksei looks at Chizuru, looks away and sighs. He looks again and looks down. He scratches his head and asks with a quiet voice, “What… do you mean by that?”

“What?”

“Do you…” He can’t ask this while looking at him, no. “Do you love me too? Maybe a little beyond platonically…” Just what is he doing? He shouldn’t be doing any of this, and yet…

Chizuru doesn’t give an immediate answer, but he holds Aleksei’s hands. He holds them, and says, “Thank you, Aleksei. I don’t know if I will be able to live up to your expectations. Frankly, I still don’t know what I want to do now. Perhaps one day I will crack and fall again, but for now, thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me.”

“That’s not…” Aleksei trails off and sighs again. This time, a smile follows after. “Nevermind. You are welcome too.”


End file.
